The Question

You know how the subconscious always comes up with all your hidden doubts and fears only when you are about to fall asleep? Sometimes, I stay awake. Looking for something, an answer, a person, a direction in life. And then I hear that question, sometimes like a distant sound and the other times a rock solid question. “What are you looking for?” Honestly, I do not know. I am so indecisive in life and I am sure most of you all can relate to me. I see my friends pursuing engineering, medical, law. And then I see myself staring, perplexed, at the masses, not knowing a tad bit of what to do.

“What is my purpose in life?” All these days I believed travelling was my purpose in life. And now I realize that travelling is my way of life. But then what is the ‘purpose’? Some want money, some want fame, some want love and some want a dame! Well, they are sorted in life. As for me, when I so much as start thinking about the direction my mind wanders off to an unknown land. I can almost breathe the place in. And then in a snap I am back to reality. It is a struggle for me to hold on to the smallest bit of the present when my soul keeps drifting away to places that I might or even might not see in the future.

By the end of every day, the pressing question, “What am I looking for?” remains unanswered. But every night before going off to sleep I am smarter by one more day and a little less unsorted. And in the course of writing this piece I realized how less I care about being sorted. I would rather be less unsorted than more sorted. When you have all your answers, you stop looking for them. Only when you don’t know them can you plunge into the unknown. When you emerge out of the unknown, you come out a wiser person. So to all those who do not know what they are doing or are going to do, well, be grateful to yourself for being indecisive. You have no idea what a boon you have!

Sudeshna Chanda
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Sudeshna Chanda

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